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If she's not in the kitchen baking pies, she should be in the bedroom spreading her thighs.

‘If she’s not in the kitchen baking pies, she should be in the bedroom spreading her thighs.’

*There’s nothing in the world more powerful than pu**y. Oops…correction: there’s nothing in the world more powerful than good pu**y (huge difference). Men have been slaves to it since the beginning of time. After all, we are nothing but overgrown children, and pu**y is the ultimate playground for a man’s d**k. If pu**y didn’t feel so damn good, women would still be hoisting picket signs in front of the White House, begging for the right to vote. That’s because the average male is inherently misogynistic. Men only pretend to support women’s rights because it’s a surefire way to get…you guessed it…more pu**y. Come on guys, let’s be honest: gender equality is a laughable concept that belongs in the same category with Bigfoot, space aliens, unicorns and flying monkeys.

Now on to Feminism.

Feminism is the worst thing to happen to mankind since the invention of the nuclear weapon. Wait…I take that back, “American Idol” is definitely the worst creation in human history. But Feminism comes dangerously close. That’s right, in the 60s, some hairy-armed dyke rolled up a huge joint, got high, reached into her furry ass, and yanked out an illogical concept that has, for generations, poisoned the minds of gullible women everywhere. These days, feminism is spreading faster than a hooker’s thighs on a Saturday night in Vegas. This is partially the media’s fault. Everywhere you turn, on billboards, magazines, and T-shirts, there are subliminal messages being hammered into the impressionable minds of young girls. Not to mention, every other year or so, Beyonce comes out with a song that promotes female empowerment, when in actuality, behind closed doors, she probably spends her free time scraping the crust from between Jay Z’s toes. He probably says sh*t like, “Hey B, get your independent ass over here and pop the bumps on daddy’s back.”

“But, honey, I’m already busy feeding Blue Ivy.”

“B*tch, that breast milk belongs to the Jigga Man. Feed me first.”

“But what about our daughter?”

“Look, I got 99 problems, and that little bastard aint one.”

(Ahem) Perhaps I veered a bit from the original topic. Let’s get back on track.

What happened to the good ol’ days when women were satisfied with simple pleasures like washing their husband’s underwear and growing lettuce in the backyard? Nowadays, instead of folding laundry, cooking hot meals, burping babies, and plotting new and creative ways to please their husbands in the bedroom, today’s women are partaking in unreasonable activities like voting and going to college. It’s as if women have forgotten why they were created by God in the first place: to give blowjobs and bake chocolate chip cookies. But never fear, gentlemen. You don’t have to wave goodbye to traditional gender roles. Don’t buy into the hype: Feminism is conquerable.

I’m sure my critics will have a lot to say once they finish reading this article. I can hear their voices now, “This guy is living in the stone age,” “He must hate his mother,” “He’s probably gay,” “He’s a nutcase,” yada-yada-yada. Well, I hate to burst their bubble, but none of these things are true. (Although for $10 million in cash, I’d probably suck a d*ck or two, no swallowing).

Anyway, I do have one confession to make. As you, the reader, have probably already surmised, I’m the guy that feminists most dread. That’s right, I am, unashamedly, a chauvinist. To be frank, I don’t respect women because most women generally don’t respect themselves. And ladies, if you have a problem with my views, there’s a very special place where we can fellowship, exchange thoughts, and hopefully find middle ground. It’s on the corner of “go f*ck yourselves” and “get a clue.”

I’m not alone in my feelings. There are plenty of other “pigheaded” misogynists like me who haven’t been sipping the Feminism Kool-Aid. I was recently asked by a friend, “can a guy like you ever find happiness with a woman in this day and age?” I laughed and replied, “Money makes me happy. Control gives me a hard on. That’s what I value in a relationship.” The next day, after pondering my buddy’s question, I decided to compile a list of guidelines that could be used to identify the ideal domestic partner for a staunch misogynist. I named it, “Misogyny 101: A How-to-Guide for Molding The Perfect Female Slave.” Fellas, you’re welcome.

1. She should be smart, but not too smart

Girl in science class

Guys, don’t waste your time on a dumb ass. But if she’s too smart, it will be hard for you to seize control of the relationship. Smart women are capable of using wit and subterfuge to get what they want. These master manipulators ask questions like: “Where is this relationship going?” “Why do I smell perfume on your collar?” “What’s your credit score?” “Do you have long-term goals?” etc.  Instead of trying to outsmart a scholar, lower the bar and sink your claws into a high-school graduate. She’ll have enough brains to hold a decent conversation, but you won’t have to worry about her crushing you in a debate.

2. Don’t go for overconfident women, choose one with low self-esteem

sad-black-woman photo

Confident women pose too many problems in relationships. For starters, they aren’t capable of being fully submissive to their partners. They’re also quick to let you know how much they don’t like you. Instead, get your hands on a late bloomer. They are usually haunted by self-hatred, making them  easy to manipulate and belittle. These women typically suffer from deep rooted insecurities stemming from their un-glamorous childhood. Fat-girls-turned-skinny are the best to hunt for. They’ll worship the ground you walk on, and best of all, they usually know how to cook. Remember, ugly women follow instructions. If she looks in the mirror with caution, you’ve found a winner.

3. The younger she is, the easier she’ll be to mold

jenner photo

Women between ages 25 and 35 are usually the hardest to get along with. They’re too stuck in their ways; and they’ve probably already been hardened by previous failed relationships. These women tend to be stubborn, bitter and irrational. Instead, grab a girl who’s fresh into her college years. She’ll be naive to the bullsh*t that comes with serious relationships, and therefore less cynical and mean-spirited. She’ll also be impressionable,  giving you the opportunity to mold and shape her into the woman you desire.

4. Stay away from Americanized women. Try to bag a girl who’s fresh off the boat from a foreign country

mother africa photo

Fellas, if you want to find a submissive woman, do some international traveling. American women are too high-maintenance. They’re consumed by reality television and the media’s decadent portrayal of success. Instead of wasting your money on gold-digging tramps like these, extend your search for companionship beyond the US. Foreign-born women aren’t oblivious to the progressive nature of Western culture, but they generally have a more traditional outlook on domestic partnerships. They find enjoyment in simple pleasures, which will leave you with more money and less stress. Remember, when it comes to building a healthy relationship, simplicity is best.

5. Choose a woman who doesn’t have friends or a social life

Young woman rolling her eyes --- Image by © C. Wilhelm/Photex/Corbis

There’s nothing worse than a woman who makes decisions based on the opinions of her lovelorn homegirls. Fellas, don’t subject yourself to this foolishness. Find a girl who won’t run to her friends and spill all of your relationship drama. If she’s a loner, she’ll only have one confidant: You. It’ll keep the relationship private and healthy. Also, by choosing to date a social butterfly, you run the risk of her getting too drunk and making mistakes that could ruin a partnership. If she’s an introvert, she’ll spend most nights at home–where she belongs.

6. Find a virgin

abstinence photo

Guys, It’s simple: if she has never experienced intercourse, she won’t know how terrible you are when it happens. This way, you can be awful in bed together (and she won’t crave sex with a well-endowed thug named Tyrone). On the flip side, if you’re an average lover, she’ll think you’re a pornstar.  Good sex, or the illusion thereof, renders women helpless to the demands of their male partners. It’s a method of control.

7. If she doesn’t have lofty goals, she’s the one for you

low goals photo

If you hook up with a girl who aint about nothing, then most likely, she won’t criticize your lack of ambition. Some guys aren’t cut out for Corporate America. If driving for UPS is your hustle, make sure you snag a woman who’s comfortable with a modest lifestyle. Otherwise, if she’s one of those professional types, she’ll take jabs at your paycheck whenever conflict arises. Unemployed women are the best to hunt for. They’ll be completely dependent on you for financial security, giving you all the power. Remember, being in control is the ultimate goal.

8. Stay away from chicks who say, “I need a man who can handle a strong woman like me,” (like the one below). They are better suited for convicts, terrorists, rapists, etc.

single black woman photo

Do I really need to explain this one? JUST SAY NO.

cory haywood

The Black Hat is written by  Southern California based  Cory A. Haywood, a freelance writer and expert on Negro foolishness. Contact him via: coryhaywood@ymail.com and/or visit his blogs: www.coryhaywood.webs.com and corythewriter.blogspot.com, or send him a message on Twitter: @coryahaywood