steve ivory (for front page)

*Heads up: See that last phrase in the title up there? No double entendre here; you’re not lucky enough. That term is exactly what this piece is about. Sort of.

I make that clear at the onset, lest you’re in the middle of your morning Cheerios or because you simply may not to want to read whatever comes under such a banner.

And that is okay. If reality, lucid and unfeigned, is not your, ahem, constitution, then go back to your fake this or counterfeit that and partly-the-truth.

That said, the other day I got to thinking—-I won’t say where I did that thinking—-and it occurred to me that The Movement (not referring a political organization or, for those of you who remember, Isaac Hayes’ back up band ) is the ideal metaphor for the living of life.

Think about it. Not in vivid detail or anything, but think about it: you know exactly where you stand with a bowel movement. When has that experience ever lied to you? Friends lie. Lovers lie. Your employer and co-workers lie. Politicians.

The No. 2, on the other hand, tells you the truth. The minute you get started-—or can’t get started—-you’re presented with an incontestable fact of life: what you put in, is what you get coming out.

Stop your groaning, I warned you about reading this.

Just as we are what we eat, so are we the people and activities and pursuits and behavior in which we engage. For better or worse, you can’t hang out with a person or group and not in some way be part of what they’re about.

I know. Right now you’re considering what I just said and trying to find a negotiation point somewhere. There is none. What I am saying is true.

And the same goes for the Number 2.

Truth is, The Process gets no respect. “You’re full of it.” “We’re in deep doo doo,” etc. Such catch phrases give a normal, innocent, vital human function a bad rap. See what happens when you can no longer go. Who’s in deep doo now?

The transaction is perfectly reasonable. It says, “We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way, but we’re going to do it. It’s going to happen.”

Oh, grow up. If you’ve read this far, you might as well keep going.

By the way, what’s the big deal? You absolutely adored those enchiladas (with all that cheese) when you were chowing down on them; treated that smothered pork chop as if it was ISIS and you were the Marines.

You reveled in every bite of that Sushi. So why does it get vilified when it comes out? Your body takes care of business and does its thing so that you can continue to do your thing.

Okay. This is called belaboring. My point in all this: Wanna have an easy movement? Put good, healthy food into your system. Wanna have a wonderful life? Fill it with positive thoughts, good deeds and honorable people.

Otherwise, somehow, there’ll always be some shit.

Steven Ivory, veteran journalist, essayist and author, writes about popular culture for magazines, newspapers, radio, TV and the Internet. Respond to him via [email protected]